As you might know Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog, recently predicted on Groundhog Day that we will have six more weeks of winter.  You might also know that back in February of 2010, I did an extensive background check on Punxsutawney Phil, and this column was the result of my investigative reporting.

February 20, 2010.  Corrales, NM. 

This year I got into Groundhog Day.  It’s a bit of pure foolishness that might work for us in Corrales.  As you know, every February thousands of revelers converge on the small town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to hear an overweight groundhog predict the weather.

The editor of the Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper, Tom Chapin, wrote, “Groundhog Day is a lot like a rock concert, but the people are better behaved and there’s a groundhog involved.”

Tradition has it that if Punxsutawney Phil (the groundhog) emerges from his simulated burrow under a simulated tree stump at the site of Gobblers Knob and sees his shadow, winter will continue for six more weeks.  If he doesn’t see his shadow, then spring is just around the corner.

So what could a portly Pennsylvania groundhog possibly know about New Mexico weather?  I call him portly because the official Groundhog Day website reveals that Punxy Phil weighs in at 20 pounds while the average groundhog weighs only 13 pounds.  Another surprising fact is that the Inner Circle, a.k.a. Phil’s human handlers, claim that he is more than 123 years old, having been born sometime before 1887 when the first Punxsutawney ceremony occurred.  That’s 113 years longer than the average groundhog lives in captivity.

We’re also expected to believe that Phil owes his immortality to an “elixir of life” served every summer at the annual Groundhog picnic of which there are curiously no photographs.

And as long as we are casting doubt, get a load of this:  He “speaks” to his human caretakers, the Inner Circle, in Groundhogese and tells them his forecast.  The Inner Circle then translates Phil’s words for the world to hear.

Yeah, right!

So who’s in this Inner Circle?  I watched the video and saw an entourage of aging men in formal wear including top hats, black overcoats and bow ties marching with great ceremony into Gobblers Knob.  They claim to have sworn a sacred oath to protect the Wizard of Weather, the Seer of Seers, the Prognosticator of Prognosticators.

That would be Punxsutawney Phil.

These Inner Circle Men have given themselves stunning names such as Sun Beamer, Stump Warden, Sky Painter, Storm Chaser, Hail Maker, Ice Man, Thunder Conductor, and my personal favorite, Big Wind Maker.

After the introductions, the crowd wakes Phil out of hibernation by chanting “Phil . . .Phil. . . Phil,” and the president of the Groundhog Club raps on the door of the simulated burrow under the simulated tree stump with an Acadian Cane that has magical powers.  The cane enables the man holding it to understand groundhogese.

The handler pulls Phil from under the stump and holds him up while the crowd cheers.  The guy with the cane then listens to what Phil has to say.  It’s a neat trick because Phil never utters a sound.  He doesn’t even move his lips.  Nevertheless, the man translates.  This year he said,:

“Hear ye, Hear ye, Hear ye,

If you want to know next

You must read my text

As the sky shines bright above me

My shadow I see beside me

Six more weeks of winter it will be.”

Now, does that sound like something a groundhog would say?

A mighty “Boo” rises from the crowd.  Disappointment reigns.  But not to worry.  While Punxsy Phil’s proponents claim that he is 100 percent accurate, the U.S. National Climatic Center (NCDC) has estimated that Phil is right only about 40 percent of the time.  We could save a lot of trouble by flipping a coin.  But that would be missing the point, because I think all this Punxsutawney nonsense is actually a way to cope with winter doldrums.

So why don’t we in Corrales create our own weather celebration to lighten people’s spirits at the end of winter?  We don’t have groundhogs, but I’ll gladly volunteer the gopher that lives in the field by the Frontier Mart.

We cannot name the gopher Phil because that is our mayor’s name and we wouldn’t want any confusion.  And “Corrales Gopher” just doesn’t have the rhythm and style of Punxsutawney Phil.  We need a name with several more letters and two or three more syllables.  Punxsutawney works partly because it is such a unique and difficult word for outsiders.

So I’ve been thinking of unique and difficult New Mexico words such as Mogollon, Bernalillo and Guacamole.  I think Guacamole is perfect.  Guacamole Mollie.

We could do what we in Corrales do best — organize a parade, a fun run, and a trail ride.  We could add a gopher pinata party.  Our businesses could offer Gopher Week Specials.  Don’t worry about the weather prediction.  We’ll make something up.

Think about it.  Talk it up.  Gopher it.

Guacamole Mollie

My New Year’s resolution has been to bring the FrontierMart into the 21st century.  I’m 12 years behind schedule because high-tech tasks are difficult for me.  I confess that I’m a person who has fond memories of standing in my grandmother’s hallway talking on an old crank-up party line telephone with the operator listening in.  But certain family members of the younger generation have been preaching to me about the importance of having an internet presence for the FrontierMart.  I know they’re right.

Then, as if on cue, Louis Bledsoe walked in.  He’s a good FrontierMart customer who specializes in creating exactly what we need.  With patience, he has led the way and shown me what to do.  We now have an app, a web page and a blog!  I’m still trying to figure out where one ends and the next begins.

The youngsters are loving this high-tech activity, but some older folks look confused and ask questions such as “What’s a blog?  Is it contagious?”

This comment was from a man I’ll call James who considers himself a techie because he’s mastered his fax machine.  He claims that via fax, he can beam things from one place to another like Captain Kirk on Star Trek.  James likes to insert the page to be faxed, push the start  button and command, “Beam me up, Scottie.”

I understand where he’s coming from, so I’m offering some fundamentals — Internet 101 if you will — for folks like James.  I wish someone had done this for me.  Here’s what you need to know:

1.  Years ago, computer people were known as nerds.  You have to get over that.

2.  Years ago, real men didn’t type because they had secretaries.  You have to get over that, too.

3.  Computer folks make up silly words like “google,” “bing,” and “blog.”

4.  Google is where you go on the internet to look up information.  Google can also be a verb, as in, “I googled Corrales wildlife and found that we have skunks.”

5.  A blog is what someone writes.  This column will be a blog when I post it on the internet which will happen sometime after it appears in the Corrales Comment.

6.  We’ll discuss “bing” in Internet 102 after I learn what it is.

7.  Computer folks are fond of changing the meanings of words that you’ve used all your life.  Here are some examples:

A.  A mouse is an electronic device that points to a place on the computer page.  Don’t confuse it with a small furry rodent that runs into your house where the weather is cold.

B.  A post is when you write something on your blog, not to be confused with a big stick that holds up a fence.

C .  When writers want to make a list of points, they use asterisks which they call bullets.

* This is a bullet.

*This is another bullet.

Sometimes bullets are cuter than asterisks and they look like fleur de lis.  Do not confuse them with projectiles that shoot from guns.

D.  Ethernet is a place where internet messages live.  It’s invisible, so no one can actually find it.  Do not confuse ethernet with ether which is what they used to knock you out when you were three years old and a doctor removed your tonsils.

E.  A dashbord is a control center where you write, post and edit blogs.  Don’t confuse it with the place in your car where you keep old mail, grocery lists and trash.

Now, you know almost everything.  In case you don’t know how you got to this site, this is how you find us again:

*Scramble around on your computer screen and find the word “Google.”  If you don’t find it, keep scrambling and clicking your mouse until you do.

* Type in “frontiermart.com.”

*Hit a key that says “enter.”  It’s on the right and it used to be called the carriage return on your typewriter.

*Our web page will magically appear.  Scroll around.  Look at photos.  Take a virtual tour.  Leave a comment.  Go to the bottom and scan our QR code into your smart phone.  Beam us up, Scottie.  We’ll be there.