Writing Under the Influence

I haven’t worked at Frontier Mart for more than a week now and that sets a record. I haven’t been there because I recently had knee replacement surgery and I’m not exactly up and running. Also the side effects of my pain medication are causing certain members of my family great trepidation, so they’re keeping me on a short tether.  I think it’s because I’m suddenly much smarter than I’ve ever been before, and I don’t mind saying so.  Yesterday I solved the mystery of climate change and now I’m working on peace in the Middle East.  I’m beginning to think that given these pain meds, pain is not such a bad thing.

John’s greatest fear is that I will sneak down to the Frontier Mart, throw out all the sensible groceries and turn the place into a sweet smelling, touchy-feely boutique bookstore with free chair massages and smoothies.  Every hour on the hour I might just celebrate by giving away bottles of wine and inviting everyone to sing Kum Bah Yah.

There are a few drawbacks however.  There are certain bodily functions which I tend to take for granted that are not working so well for me now. For example I have come to expect that my eyes will focus on whatever I’m looking at, and I also expect that my left foot will pick up and set down more or less where I tell it to. We’re still working on that.

Also, I have recently acquired three habits that perhaps should not become permanent:

  1. Sudden and unexpected naps.  No one objects to an afternoon nap, but a sudden nap while eating soup or walking across a room could be hazardous to my health.
  2. Starbucks, a.k.a. Fivebucks. This started out as an alternative to some of my naps, but now I’m having both. I have no restraint when it comes to Venti Caramel Flan Frappuccinos. Who cares if my waistline expands and my tab at Starbucks exceeds the mortgage payment.
  3. Dr. Phil. At first it was okay to veg-out and sort of watch Dr. Phil while dozing. The Dr. Phil show makes me feel brilliant and superior because I haven’t caused any deaths, mothered any drug addicts or sent $50,000 to a phony cyber boyfriend in Nigeria. I have however wasted a few hours listening to stories of people who have.

drphilSo now I’m making a new rule for myself. I’m not allowed to watch Dr. Phil unless I’m riding my exercise bike and drinking water. I’ll start tomorrow.

Yesterday my sister brought me a frappuccino and I sipped it while watching the story of a hoarder which made me feel very uncomfortable about all the junk I have collected in our back bedroom. Maybe watching Dr. Phil isn’t so great after all.

In any case, I do have to get busy with my very difficult knee exercises which I’m supposed to do twice a day. The most difficult consists of sliding my left heel back & forth across the bed sheets. I am not kidding. Last week I could slide my heel all day long, but on the day after surgery, you might as well have asked me to jump over the moon. The physical therapist (terrorist) tells me I have to be able to slide my heel across the sheets before I can go back to work.  And when I do, you might see some interesting changes at the Frontier Mart.

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